The Dingleberry Chronicles: The Tail Pipe Rapist

I’m on my way to run the Riverwatch loop because I’m bored and have nothing better to do than to play in heavy traffic on a weekday evening… combat riding is a soft skill, after all, one which must be honed at every opportunity. 😉 I roll on down the street minding my own business and the posted speed limit when I see two bikes up ahead. What is it we have here? Two Gen I Hayabusas. I guess I’m not the only numbskull out playing tonight. I give it a little gas to close the distance. I have got to check this out. I can’t help myself. I pull up to a red light in the left lane, there are two cars in front of me. In the right lane we have ‘Busa Dude #2 at the line, his buddy apparently made it through and is no doubt waiting somewhere up ahead. It’s busy, there’s sheet metal everywhere and we’re sitting on an incline. I keep my attention on my surroundings and my bike in gear, as I do 90% of the time. A car pulls up behind me, slowly. At first, I think nothing of it, but the bumper is not stopping, it keeps creeping closer. Now, I’m in the friction zone, ready to evade. I have an out, since I make it a habit to leave myself plenty of room and usually offset myself to the vehicle in front of me. The car finally decides to be kind enough to stop, but I can’t see the front end in my mirrors anymore. I turn around looking at the bumper then lift my head and make direct eye contact with the driver. I look back down at their bumper, then back at the driver. It’s a business woman in her early 40s with two kiddies in the car, who, by the way, are not wearing their seat belts properly and are a little too misbehaved for my taste. I swear, there’s not an inch of clearance between my tail pipes and her luxury front bumper. I roll up some. Guess what happens next? Yes! The airhead in designer clothes closes the distance yet again. Now I’m pissed! I was angry before, but now I’m steaming hot mad and on the verge of road rage. I put The Fat Lady in neutral, so I can let go of the clutch lever and crank my upper body around, but make damn sure I’m solid on the rear brake.  I flip my visor up with an impatient slap, give her the stink eye once more, point at the ground behind me, then directly at her and yell: “Lady, get off my fucking ass!” It’s not like she can hear me, but it’s more for my benefit anyway. Then I point at the ground again, then hold up my left hand, palm facing out toward her, making a push motion. She just sits there with a blank stare… something that reads to me as: “What is YOUR problem?” I throw my hands up in the air, yell something about my tail being violated again, then turn around, put it back in gear and decide I’m getting the hell away from this stupidity-induced menace to the safety of motorized society, this high-class dingleberry extraordinaire. I had positioned myself in the right third of my lane, so I simply creep past the two cars in front of me and position myself to the left of ‘Busa Dude #2, who was also sitting in the right third of his lane. I shout at him apologetically: “Sorry, dude. I usually don’t do this sort of thing… but this lady was right on my ass and I had to get outta there before she ran up my tail pipe.” He just nods, letting me know that we’re cool. The light changes, I let him go first since I’m the one in his space, although it’s customary for the bike to the left to lead. It is around here anyway, but that’s with peeps you know. He sits there for a second, then gets the point and takes off. I keep my distance, but stay right behind him. He catches up with his buddy, ‘Busa Dude #1, and we’re headed on down the road. I switch back to my previous position in the left lane.  Suddenly, I catch a glimpse of the flashy-flashy of red and blue lights in one of my mirrors, and shortly thereafter I hear that whoop-sound cops like to make with their siren to get the prospective traffic violation recipient’s attention. And what do I see to my absolute delight? I cannot believe it! The Tail Pipe Rapist is getting herself pulled over by the Richmond County popo! I laugh so hard I almost fall off my bike. I watch her turn into the parking lot of a strip mall with the copper on her tail. I’m so happy, I’m jumping up and down on my pegs, shaking my fist at her, hollering: “WooooHoooo! That’s right beyotch! There is justice in the world, after all. This is righteous! Go get her, copper!” When I notice, to my absolute embarrassment, that my antics have caught ‘Busa Dude #2’s attention, who had slowed down in the right lane and was almost even with me, I settle myself back down and get in the right lane behind him, to hide my blushing self from view. I continue on my, now very merry, way with ‘Busa Dudes #1 and #2 in front of me. When I get back into the left lane a few miles further down the road to prepare making a left to start on the Riverwatch side of the loop, I see both of them also getting in the left turn lane in front of me. WTF? Is everybody going the same way today? I end up sitting behind them at the red light. I’m starting to feel awkward. This is weird… they end up turning left again at the next cross street, as I was planning on doing. I decide to go straight instead and take my left further down the block. I don’t want them to think I’m following them, where it is clearly them who are following me. 😉



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s