There are times where DTC and ABS just can’t save your bacon…
The story starts something like this: Miss Busa is caught complaining on Facebook that her ass is pretty big. Her sister in speed, Margie “Crashy” Lee, wastes no time pointing out that this is a serious overstatement and just a matter of simple German Girl’s Butt. She further suggests doing a few squats and shutting up, because her “big old black butt” could take both of the German girls’ butts any time and concurrently. Miss Busa’s understanding of Badonkadonk needs revision, obviously. The beautiful JLo is also being dragged into this classy conversation with posterior motives.
Miss Busa (thinks she) has a big butt. Well, how big is it? Her ass is so big, that if she ran up a flight of stairs using the hand rail to slingshot herself around each landing onto the next flight, the ass could be seen taking the outside line to go for the pass.
A KTM-riding rubber-burning maniac from Cali chimes in by posting squatter’s advice on Miss Busa’s wall, for the world (of 70+ friends) to see. A few YouTube links are posted in the form of people being tortured on camera in various undisclosed locations. This is definitely borderline snuff. Aversion quickly turns into sincere interest as the wall tagger, let’s call him Dude Who Runs Downhill, explains this will make the Busa wicked fast. You don’t say?!? Really.
Dude Who Runs Downhill, who is a California State Champion weightlifter and canyon-carving throttle jockey, quickly lays out…
1. Overhead Squats
2. Snatch Lifts
3. High Pulls
4. Good Morning Exercise
I am to do 5 sets of 5 reps each, with a maximum break of 30 seconds in between sets; and a maximum break of 3 minutes in between exercises. I am to do these bare with the bar only. No wait, I am to do these with the bare bar only, no weights. I am to torture myself accordingly on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I get to take Thursday off and lay around under my bike, or ride around on the one that works. I am to report back for more on Friday and Saturday. Sunday is a rest day. I am to do this for two weeks and then add 5 pounds of weight to the bar (I really wonder if Dude Who Runs Downhill meant on EACH side. I think he meant 5 pounds total. Yeah!).
I have now added strength training to my running. This better pay off in a nice lap time reduction… or I’m going to go to Cali and chase the Dude Who Runs Downhill all the way up the hill to Alice’s Restaurant and make him buy me a vegetarian dinner and a cold brew.
Let the games begin! I have until Monday to procure a bar off of Craigslist, the classifieds or steal one from a gym, or I’m going to have to use a forkleg or a broom stick with bricks tied to either end.
16 days to race day.
Thought I’d snap a pic of some yummy dish I am being served in some awesome eatery I’m trying for the first time, eh? Wrong! Too many of THOSE kinda things already floating around on the Internetz. This is the other end of the spectrum… a how-to guide of turning a can of cat food into yummy pâté without anybody being the wiser. It’s vegetarian, I swear. Dinner’s served. Bon appétit! ;P Not quite… but almost.
The Essence of Ramen
Not Ramen noodles, AGAIN?!? Those things are deep fried and so unhealthy for you calorie-counting, carb-counting, fitness-junkie types. That means, they are really not fit for human consumption. But they are oh-so-yummy (for the first two months) and extremely versatile. The Swiss Army knife of your pantry. Cheap, too. In value and nutrition. They probably are carcinogenic…
They were the staple during my stint in the halls of higher learning. Food for the student budget.
Don’t cook them, just pound on the package with your fist, and they’ll serve your need for sustenance quite well during an all-night LAN party.
You make soup out of the packet the following afternoon, because you’re in too much of a hurry to get back online to PWN your Guild’s enemies in that MMORPG you’ve become addicted to three years ago. But you can quit anytime!
This stuff has a half-life instead of an expiration date. It stock-piles well, and was the main item on the shelves of the more militant amongst the Y2Kers.
I think you could launch an unopened, uncrushed pack and use it for skeet shootin’ practice.
You can’t just eat one pack, you have to make two at once.
And now that I have been jettisoned by the minions of Corp America for being a cog in their plans for world domination, Ramen noodles are again on my menu. Food for the full-time amateur racer and freelance Pixel Pusher and whichever other skills of mine I can manage to apply for a little profit.
Oh, oh… I feel a sales pitch comin’ on… … … wait… THERE:
Wrecked your ride at the track and now you need corresponding accident evidence on the side of the road to get your insurance to foot the bill and are clueless as to how to stage the scene?!?
We’re here to help! Call 1-800-WAD-OOPS and let us lowside it for you. Our wadding specialists are fully certifiable and fully licensed. Just remember, you wrecked your shit because you saw a deer… YOU SAW A DEER.
Call our wrecking crew now! Operators are standing by. When a bike falling out of the back of a speeding pickup truck just won’t do, because you done did that once already, we’re here for you. We can help. Call now. We’re at it 24/7 (closed on Saturday and Sundays and sometimes Fridays, that’s racing time; also we don’t crash nuthin’ on Mondays).
Other options are available, pricing varies by package chosen. Restrictions may apply. Not valid with any other offer. See fine print for details. Attorneys need not apply (even if they went to the track and wiped out on their Desmosedici in T1). Void where prohibited. Crash two, get one free. Harley Clubs: We specialize in multi-vehicle pile-ups.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, I was gonna cook something because I’m hungry…
Let creativity save the (tummy’s) day!
Recipe (for Disaster?) Tomato Bisque
1 family-sized can of generic no-taste condensed tomato soup, prepare as told on the side, but only use 75% of the H2O
1 can of crappy store-brand diced tomatoes
A truckload of various spices and dried herbs to taste in type and quantity
A decent amount of high-fructose corn syrup… I mean, ketchup; squeeze the bottle until your fingers ache.
The “Victory Lap” version also calls for
A fairly good amount of generic half & half, made from the milk of bored indoor cows and chlorinated pool water); use as much as you can afford or until the concoction turns a nice deep pink bisque color, whichever comes first
1 huge pile of kinda-ok generic sour cream, also made from the milk of those same unhappy cows
A good sprinkling of fresh green onions, to fool the senses into believing this crap is actually yummy
A toddler’s handful of crummy seasoned croutons
It’s freakin’ Synergy, baby!!! I’m gonna eat good for three days! I was so excited I just had to share.
Now, my soup’s cold. Damn!
This cracks me up every time I watch it. I want to see these guys live, they are freakin’ awesome!!! I would probably laugh so hard I’d pee my pants. Suppose I should come properly prepared. 😉 I just came across this video again while checking on the results of the “audio swap” on one of my vids which was blocked worldwide due to well… the Man wanting his copyright protected.
So without further ado: The Umbilical Brothers in “The Motorcycle Cop”