Foodie Pr0n (on a Racing Budget)

Thought I’d snap a pic of some yummy dish I am being served in some awesome eatery I’m trying for the first time, eh? Wrong! Too many of THOSE kinda things already floating around on the Internetz. This is the other end of the spectrum… a how-to guide of turning a can of cat food into yummy pâté without anybody being the wiser. It’s vegetarian, I swear. Dinner’s served. Bon appétit! ;P Not quite… but almost.

The Essence of Ramen

Not Ramen noodles, AGAIN?!? Those things are deep fried and so unhealthy for you calorie-counting, carb-counting, fitness-junkie types. That means, they are really not fit for human consumption. But they are oh-so-yummy (for the first two months) and extremely versatile. The Swiss Army knife of your pantry. Cheap, too. In value and nutrition. They probably are carcinogenic…

They were the staple during my stint in the halls of higher learning. Food for the student budget.

Don’t cook them, just pound on the package with your fist, and they’ll serve your need for sustenance quite well during an all-night LAN party.

You make soup out of the packet the following afternoon, because you’re in too much of a hurry to get back online to PWN your Guild’s enemies in that MMORPG you’ve become addicted to three years ago. But you can quit anytime!

This stuff has a half-life instead of an expiration date. It stock-piles well, and was the main item on the shelves of the more militant amongst the Y2Kers.

I think you could launch an unopened, uncrushed pack and use it for skeet shootin’ practice.

You can’t just eat one pack, you have to make two at once.

WTF, over?!?

And now that I have been jettisoned by the minions of Corp America for being a cog in their plans for world domination, Ramen noodles are again on my menu. Food for the full-time amateur racer and freelance Pixel Pusher and whichever other skills of mine I can manage to apply for a little profit.

Oh, oh… I feel a sales pitch comin’ on… … … wait… THERE:

Wrecked your ride at the track and now you need corresponding accident evidence on the side of the road to get your insurance to foot the bill and are clueless as to how to stage the scene?!?

We’re here to help! Call 1-800-WAD-OOPS and let us lowside it for you. Our wadding specialists are fully certifiable and fully licensed. Just remember, you wrecked your shit because you  saw a deer… YOU SAW A DEER.

Call our wrecking crew now! Operators are standing by. When a bike falling out of the back of a speeding pickup truck just won’t do, because you done did that once already, we’re here for you. We can help. Call now. We’re at it 24/7 (closed on Saturday and Sundays and sometimes Fridays, that’s racing time; also we don’t crash nuthin’ on Mondays).

Other options are available, pricing varies by package chosen. Restrictions may apply. Not valid with any other offer. See fine print for details. Attorneys need not apply (even if they went to the track and wiped out on their Desmosedici in T1). Void where prohibited. Crash two, get one free. Harley Clubs: We specialize in multi-vehicle pile-ups.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, I was gonna cook something because I’m hungry…

Let creativity save the (tummy’s) day!

Recipe (for Disaster?) Tomato Bisque

1 family-sized can of generic no-taste condensed tomato soup, prepare as told on the side, but only use 75% of the H2O

1 can of crappy store-brand diced tomatoes

A truckload of various spices and dried herbs to taste in type and quantity

A decent amount of high-fructose corn syrup… I mean, ketchup; squeeze the bottle until your fingers ache.

The “Victory Lap” version also calls for

A fairly good amount of generic half & half, made from the milk of bored indoor cows and chlorinated pool water); use as much as you can afford or until the concoction turns a nice deep pink bisque color, whichever comes first

1 huge pile of kinda-ok generic sour cream, also made from the milk of those same unhappy cows

A good sprinkling of fresh green onions, to fool the senses into believing this crap is actually yummy

A toddler’s handful of crummy seasoned croutons

It’s freakin’ Synergy, baby!!! I’m gonna eat good for three days! I was so excited I just had to share.

Now, my soup’s cold. Damn!